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Israel at 60 … 2 possible scenarios

May 29, 2008

by: Phaedrus

Scenario 1:

“Your Honor, the Plaintiff before you today is Mr. Sidney Herzog Cohen who is appearing here as a representative of the Zionist movement and seeking to establish a Jewish homeland in what is currently British-administered Palestine.”

“Ok, thank you. The court will proceed immediately to hear the case. Mr. Cohen, I have already read the pleadings in this Case and I understand you are claiming the right to seize and occupy Palestine as an exclusive homeland for your people. This will naturally entail a great deal of upset indeed for the indigenous people who have lived and worked the land in question for thousands of years. What evidence can you put before the court to establish a prima-facie case for ownership?”

“Your Honor, to hold and occupy this land is an ancient, divine right, granted to us in perpetuity by no less a personage than God himself.”

[a hushed silence descends over the court]

“Indeed?? And what evidence do you have for this remarkable assertion?”

“Your Honor, it is written.”

[uncomfortable silence]

“What do you mean ‘written’ – written where precisely? And by whom?”

“In the Torah, your Honor. God promised my ancient forefather, Abraham that the land would be ours for all time provided all male descendants had their foreskins cut off on the 8th day after birth.”

[cue feverish mumblings among the public]

“I see… but who exactly produced this, ahm, “Torah” of which you speak?”

“It is the literal word of God, your Honor.”

“So you’re telling me God wrote the book you have today before you in your hand?”

“That is correct. Although God himself didn’t physically write and publish this book, of course.”

[stifled snickers break out among those present]

“Then wherefrom comes the word of this God of yours originally?”

“From my forefathers, your Honor. Through generations of oral tradition, eventually codified into this Holy Book.”

“I see. So this book of yours – upon which your claim to the land is based – is not provably the literal word of this God of yours?”

“It certainly IS, your Honor – in our religious FAITH!”

“Well that may be YOUR faith, Mr. Cohen, but it isn’t most people’s. When you come to a court of law, you need to produce credible EVIDENCE. You seriously expect to be granted the right to take over another establish country based solely on what amounts to nothing more than generations of hearsay passed down by long dead people who cannot therefore be cross-examined on their astonishing claims? You’re asking us to believe that you’re entitled to take over Palestine just because one of your ancestors claims he was told that he could have it if he practiced genital mutilation on babies?? Really, Mr. Cohen, I fear for your sanity!”

[uproarious laughter rocks the courthouse]

“But this is our LAW, your Honor!”

“Well maybe, but it’s NOT the law pertaining in a modern court in 1947! Mr. Cohen, you have wasted too much of this court’s time already with your absurd claims.”

[onlookers collapse into hysterical laughter]

“Security! Take this time-wasting idiot outside. You know what to do.”

Mr. Cohen is hauled from the court amid howls of laughter, then hog-tied to the back of a clown-car (complete with exploding doors) to be dragged through the streets and pelted with mud pies by the townsfolks’ delighted children.

His case was summarily dismissed and he was barred from bringing any further such frivolous actions in future.

The alternative scenario:

“Your Honor, the Plaintiff before you today is Mr. Sidney Herzog Cohen who is appearing here as a representative of the Zionist movement, seeking to establish a Jewish homeland in what is currently Palestine.”

“Ok, thank you. We shall proceed immediately to hear the case. Mr. Cohen, I have already read the pleadings in this Case and I understand you are claiming the right to seize and occupy Palestine as an exclusive homeland for your people. In view of the tremendous sensitivities involved in this matter and my overriding desire not to inflame the feelings of your people, I shall not put you to strict proof on this matter. Accordingly, this Court finds in favor of the Plaintiff. Let it be ordered that the country now known as Palestine from this moment on be called ‘Israel’ and that everyone currently living there must get out and make way for the hard-pressed, long-suffering and persecuted Jewish people. Now, will there be anything else, Mr. Cohen?”

“Just the small matter of compensation, your Honor.”

“Good Lord! Please excuse my crass insensitivity. Yes, of course. Will $30bn a year suffice?”

“Not really, your Honor, but in recognition of the fact that a larger sum might give rise to ill-feeling and anti-Semitism among American tax-payers, I grudgingly and ungratefully accept.”

“Let it be so ordered! Case closed.”

Isn’t it unbelievable that it was the second scenario that prevailed? What a strange world!

Comments

One Response to “Israel at 60 … 2 possible scenarios”

  1. Eunomia on May 30th, 2008 3:39 pm

    If Izzy is 60, well, isn’t that past legal retirement age?

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